Nearly every company that has been around long enough has a popular and easily identifiable mascot. Energizer has their Energizer Bunny which nauseously keeps “going and going”, Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes has their icon Tony the Tiger and Camel Cigarettes had their cartoon spokesman Joe Camel – that is until 1997, when pressure from Congress and numerous public-interest groups resulted in Joe being taken out back and shot. Naturally, after Joe’s sacrifice, everyone everywhere quit smoking forever.
Anyway, in most cases, mascots are a logical representation of what a given company is all about. With that in mind, we here at Weirdworm have taken the road less traveled and found ourselves some mascots that fail on multiple levels to actually make sense.
5.
CARFAX FOX
The Company – Carfax
Founded in 1984, Carfax is a commercial web-based service that supplies vehicle history reports to individuals and businesses on used cars and trucks. They currently operate in the U.S. and Canadian marketplaces. A truly riveting and exciting business which was started by a computer expert named Ewin Barnett III. Who would’ve thought?
Their “WTF” Mascot
The first question that jumps out at us is why would a fox, an animal that’s very likely to have seen many of his fox friends and fox family members become road-kill, promote anything remotely related to cars and trucks? He may as well have become a mascot for a fur coatcompany . Aside from the term “Carfax Fox” simply being something that rolls off the tongue they aren’t exactly two things that necessarily belong together.
Nevertheless, the company has forged ahead with their bewildering creation. Originally the Car Fox character was a simple hand-held puppet. But really – who in their right mind is going to accept avehicle history report from a furry sock with googly eyes? After a few million that could have otherwise been spent on cancer research, the company turned their simple puppet into a fully realized “animatronic animal with an attitude.” Finally, the company had a respectable creature capable of promoting vehicle history summaries. Did we forget to mention that it takes five people to operate the f***ing thing?
Still, after many hours spent toiling away in MS Paint, the Carfax Fox is only slightly better than anything we came up with for thecompany.
We can add a racing stripe for a few extra bucks though.
4.
BIRDIE THE EARLY BIRD
The Company – McDonalds
If you haven’t heard of McDonalds, it’s useless to even go into it as you are clearly living under a rock… a rock made entirely of other rocks that other people are sleeping under. Seriously, 99 billion served.
Their “WTF” Mascot
Birdie is the first female character in Ronald McDonald’s gang, which consists of the Hamburgler, Grimace, the Frykids and Mayor McCheese. It’s important that you are aware of all these names – you’ll be tested later. Birdie was introduced way back in 1980 to help promote thecompany’s new breakfast items. She still appears in ads today sporting her timeless pink jumpsuit, flight cap and scarf.
Here she appears topless, proving she has a wild side. Hot.
We already gave Fox crap for promoting a company simply related to automobiles. How could we not lay into Birdie for gleefully promoting a company that slaughters her fellow species? Yes, Chicken McNuggets are tasty in a novel sort of way, however that’s no excuse for her utter indifference.
The use of Ronald McDonald is understandable – though eternally creepy. The use of Hamburgler makes sense… he wants your burgers damn it! Grimace… we could not classify in time for this article as the verdict is still out on what the f*** he’s supposed to be. However what’s the point of using a cutesy cartoon bird to promote a product that uses said animal as an ingredient? Actually there’s a completely logical reason according to our friend Wiki. Apparently a giant egg fell from the night sky into “McDonaldland”, and Ronald McDonald “decided to show the egg love”. Birdie is quite lucky because every other egg that subsequently landed in McDonaldland didn’t fair as well.
Ronald wasn’t fast enough to save these Birdies.
In all likelihood, the real reason for Birdie’s existence is merely her appeal to kids first and foremost. Keep in mind, Birdie is entirely fictitious and any resemblance to real birds, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Now, who wants a McNugget?
Birdie tastes excellent with sweet n’ sour sauce.
3.
SPONGEMONKEYS
The Company – Quiznos
Quiznos is a fast food restaurant franchise that specializes in toasted subs of all kinds. It is the second-largest submarine sandwich shop chain in North America, after Subway. No jokes necessary… so long asQuiznos delivers a free giant sub to the WeirdWorm offices by 1 PM today.
Their “WTF” Mascot
In 2004, the Spongmonkey characters made their jump from weird internet thing to appearing in equally weird TV ads for Quizno’s. They sang a modified version of their song called “We Love the Subs.” The reactions to the commercials were mixed and eventually the ads stopped airing. Here’s the ad for those who are curious.
Although many refer to the creatures as hamsters or gerbils with severe birth defects they are supposedly graphically edited tarsiers. Now, here’s a picture of a tarsier for those who are curious.
Forget the Sub, we’re no longer hungry.
The creative addition of the crack-head eyes and human mouths can be credited to Joel Veitch, a British web animator, singer-songwriter, member of the website B3ta and apparent friggin’ genius. The Spongemonkey gimmick basically consisted of the strange duo floating mid-air while singing and playing guitar. They also completely baffled everyone as to what in God’s name they had to do with sandwiches. Here’s a picture of a sandwich for those who are curious.
Note the distinct lack of horrible littlemammals
2.
WENLOCK AND MANDEVILLE
The Company – Um…the Olympics?
The Company – Um…the Olympics?
If you aren’t sure what the Olympics are please refer to our McDonalds “sleeping under a rock” statement from earlier.
Their “WTF” Mascot
Wenlock and Mandeville are the official mascots for the 2012 Summer Olympics and Paralympics being held in London. The mascots were revealed recently, marking the second occasion that both Olympic and Paralympic mascots were unveiled at the same time. A big deal if you remotely care about any of that.
Now for the pressing issue: what the hell are these freaks of nature? Well contrary to popular opinion they are not rejected Pixar characters. The peculiar pair is based on a short story by children’s author Michael Morpurgo. In the story it is revealed that the mascots were created from “droplets of steel used to build the Olympic stadium.” Don’t believe us? Maybe you’ll believe this really bizarre origin commercial…
Despite their detailed back-story, Wenlock and Mandeville continue to elicit mostly puzzled reactions as to their existence. Each mascot has a T-1000 metallic finish, a cyclops eye and an astonishing aura of confusion. Interestingly enough, among the designs rejected during the pitching process were anthropomorphic pigeons, an animated tea pot and a Big Ben with arms and legs. We’re left to wonder exactly what drugs were being used during the design phase.
1.
MR. SIX
The Company – Six Flags
Six Flags is the world’s largest amusement park company. The company maintains twenty-one properties throughout the US, including theme parks, thrill parks, water parks and family entertainment centers. Chances are you or someone you know has vomited in one or more of their locations.
Their “WTF” Mascot
How do you sell families on an awesome trip to an amusement park? Common sense dictates that you barely need to sell such a notion at all, much less need some cheesy mascot. Then again it certainly doesn’t hurt to advertise. Maybe something like: “There’s anamusement park near you. Here’s the directions. The End.” And so we find it odd that the best the Six Flags advertising team could come up with was a bald, wrinkly faced, tuxedo wearing bespectacled lunatic… that’s so old the lawyers would ban him from the park.
Maybe they were just Sopranos fans.
Mr. Six is a disturbingly athletic abomination who first appeared in 2004 dancing franticly and mindlessly shilling for Six Flags. His initial gimmick was kidnapping… we mean inviting folks to the park by pulling up in a bus while rocking out to the song “We Like to Party”.
In 2005, Daniel Snyder (aka Mr. Six’ arch nemesis), took over Six Flags and abruptly announced the retirement of Mr. Six who he stated was pointless. The next ad campaign was to be called “Friendly, Clean, Fast, Safe, Service.” A collective yawn was heard around the world. Sure Mr. Six’ existence may have been creepy, baffling, and (worst of all) kept the world from forgetting the “Venga Boys” forever but at least he snagged your attention.
To Mr. Snyder’s disdain, Mr. Six prevailed. The freaky old timer was still plastered all over Six Flags theme parks and merchandise until his official revival in 2009. Mr. Six eventually began appearing in place of a previously unnamed (and quickly forgotten) Asian mascot character in the “More Flags, More Fun” ads.
Mr. Six currently appears in a number of new tv commercials where he speaks (grab your crosses) and apparently has obtained his very own Mini-Me known as “Little Six”.
Try to sleep now…we dare you. #!
You can keep up with Kevin Mack’s horrible dietary choices (and more interesting stuff) be following him on Twitter.
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